Facilitating egos

By Eileen Dowse, Organisational Psychologist & Certified Master Facilitator, Evans & Peck Organisational Development (Hong Kong)

How do you work effectively with people with large egos in a group, so that the situation doesn’t become unhealthy?
Those whose egos have a huge appetite often find it difficult when the discussion strays from the topic of themselves. Ego grows increasingly hungry whenever the group’s attention shifts away from him or her. Therefore, he or she will often provoke conflict to reestablish him or herself as the main subject at hand. Ego is one of the fiercest of all the opponents and the ego will fight to the death when attacked. Egos come in different types as a facilitator and HR managers, you are likely to encounter three types of egos in your meetings.

Taught ego
This is a set of feelings, thoughts and behaviours that we all have learned and copied from our families and significant others. Individuals with taught egos have developed these communication styles and behaviours over time and they know which approach is best in what situation (given their frame of reference). The person using this ego type might be strict, judgmental or quick to form opinions because of the beliefs and morals they have learned and have now come to value. Somewhere in their head, they have a manual on how life should run and they are in place to carry the torch for the cause. In short, they are like a tape recorder replaying and using what they already know and strongly believe.

Logical ego
Here the ego deals and responds to the here and now. Individuals with logical egos take the best from the past and use it appropriately in the present. This ego type sees people as they are, rather than which values and beliefs the person wants to project onto them. The person with this ego type has learned the value of being sensible, logical, detached and calm. They search for factual information on which to make decisions and formulate actions. The person using this ego type might listen patiently and gather data to create a rational decision on the data they have collected. In short they are like a human computer, referencing data and experiences to make decisions in the current reality and move forward.

Instinctive ego
This is a set of feelings, thoughts and behaviours that are more uninhibited, inquisitive, creative and curious. You might experience people with instinctive egos being playful, having tantrums, sulking and becoming impulsive or emotional. The person using this ego type might explore options and in turn make sure the group is having fun during the process. In short they are like Play Dough, molding and creating as they go.

Each of these ego types are designed to protect an individual’s psyche from harm and make the person feel more comfortable. They’re neither right nor wrong, it’s simply a matter of taste. For a facilitator the task is to manage these ego types and direct how they might impact the group dynamics.

At a recent meeting, I was facilitating a group of highly controlling, competitive executives. It was a group filled with all the ingredients of ‘taught’, ‘logical’ and ‘instinctive’ egos. One gentleman sat at the far end of U-shaped seating formation. He was a peer to the rest of the people in the room. He was a strongly opinionated traditional person and instantly presented himself as a ‘taught ego’. He was not happy that the group was agreeing to take a specific direction in the strategic plan, which was different from the one he had suggested. We had addressed the issues, (economics, personal impact, personnel impact, etc.) and surfaced all relevant information as determined by the group.
Everyone in the group verbally agreed to move forward to the next agenda item. This gentleman’s ego began to defend itself because clearly it was feeling vulnerable. On several occasions he attempted sarcastic humor but to no avail. The group would call him on the ground rules when his behaviour was disruptive and then he ‘backed off’ for a bit.

Finally out of frustration (and individual need) he pulled out his laptop and proceeded to type the information being collected from the conversation at the meeting and a side conversation he had started. People were interested in what he was doing and began gathering around him. Some commented on the quality of the information he possessed. It was clear he was hungry for power and control. When I asked if he was willing to share with the whole group what he had captured, he said, “Nah, never mind”, closed his laptop, crossed his arms and lifted his feet onto the table so that the soles of his shoes faced the front of the room. His ‘instinctive ego’ was sulking and having a tantrum. Other egos in the room began to respond. Some ‘taught egos’ voiced their dislike for his actions and commented on how they couldn’t believe how a person could behave in such a manner, “It just wasn’t right...Look how he’s wanting it his way...Who made him the Colonel?”. Some of the ‘logical egos’ asked, “What is really bothering you?” and “Explain why you really thought the idea seems like a better approach?” Other ‘instinctive egos’ in the room began cracking jokes and asked, “Have you taken your Prozac?” or “Is it that time of the month?” Some even offered completely new ideas in hopes of making him happy. It was a regular smorgasbord of egos, a feeding feast for all.

Egos, if left unattended in the wrong conditions, can create an unhealthy situation for everyone. It’s a tough call as a facilitator to determine when is the right time and what is the right process for intervening and helping an ego resolve its own discomfort.
When dealing with egos in a meeting, there are some dynamics to consider before you intervene and facilitate the situation.

1. Relationship you have with the person
Are they a peer, subordinate, client? Are they the same or opposite gender to you? Do they come from a different culture to you? When there are differences in people there are corresponding differences in values, beliefs, how we communicate and how we are expected to communicate. Consider making it clear to any individual or group you are working with, what your role is and what you understand their role to be. Presenting this information up front can help you position your intention when you decide to intervene and facilitate moving more quickly toward a joint resolution.

2. Role the person plays in the group
Some groups have accepted and depend on certain egos that individuals bring to the group. Healthy or not, their ego is a known quantity and something they can depend on for instigating action. Sometimes people are happy and relieved that another’s ego can address a topic they don’t want to address. They have come to depend on this ego or tolerate it because the results are, to them, worth the effort. Consider checking with the group to determine if the behaviour is acceptable. Recognise that people are motivated both by fear and need. If you can determine what a person’s fears are, or what they need, you are well on your way to understanding and addressing their behaviour.

3. Role the person plays in the organisation
Some individuals are in higher positions because their ego, behaviour, actions, intelligence and political savvy have in the past served them well. They have achieved their current level in the organisation and know how to behave in order to stay at this level. They have no interest in changing their behaviour. Consider addressing the topic of ‘position’ at the beginning of the meeting. Have a clear understanding of whether this is a meeting for the purpose of reaching agreement with all the players—as equals in the room—or are people’s input being considered in the context of roles or positions represented in the room.

4. Mental health of the person
I once had an employee who was released from prison after serving a murder sentence. He was considered mentally ill at the time of the murder due to a chemical imbalance. Now that he was taking his medication, he could function normally again in society. Before our group meetings, I would check in with him and see how his day was going—in essence I wanted to know if he was mentally well at that moment. I have clients that I refuse to coach because they are not taking their bipolar meds and if there is a chemical imbalance there is not much you can do until their mental health is treated. Consider checking with others in the group to see if this is usual and acceptable behaviour for this person. If the person is not mentally stable, it will be important to not antagonise or challenge the person’s sense of reality. For them their behaviour makes perfect sense. At this point, you will have to do your best to keep the dialogue flowing smoothly and address the issue off-line.
A person’s behaviour can make perfect sense to them. After all, their ego is naturally protecting other issues present unconsciously. Egos are part of the dynamics within a group and need to be managed.

The results of the facilitation are affected by your preparation. Setting the tone, purpose, parameters and ground rules before you start a meeting is often key as a proactive measure in working with egos which may surface during a meeting.

Facilitation is an experience that involves all your senses. The environment you create (the colours, the sounds, the shared laughter, and taste left in people’s mouths) all impact the experience. Being open to understanding people’s fears and needs and trying to address the real issue causing the behaviour will be necessary for dealing with the issues that surface.

The facilitation process as a ritual needs to have a strong beginning and close. It requires an opportunity for the group to celebrate its success.