Teresa Norton, Founder, StarMaker HK, speaks with Sam Bobertz, Managing Director of the same company … and her son.
Teresa
Let’s talk about self-acceptance and the impact that can have on our ability to accept and include others.
Sam
The ‘acceptance’ piece is critical. It goes back to a conversation we were having about how and on what basis we are ‘judging’ other people, and in terms of inclusivity, the degree to which we are willing and able to suspend our judgment.
Teresa
Innocent until proven guilty?
Sam
To suspend judgement, there needs to be a level of acceptance of human imperfection, right? And to accept other people, we are challenged to accept realities about ourselves.
Teresa
Right. The good, the bad and the ugly. Peeling that onion, getting honest about where we are falling short, not living up to our own standards can be hard.
Sam
Yes. To be able to get to that point of self-acceptance, it’s important to interject a bit of forgiveness of yourself. Recognising your strengths while not letting yourself off the hook for your flaws—seeing where you are getting in your own way because, oftentimes, ‘you’ are the biggest obstacle you will have to overcome in this life. And if you can forgive yourself for that the weight of shame and the fear of losing face and all that, it can take a big load off your shoulders. I would say for any professional, moving into a leadership role or role of responsibility or even a modern professional looking to be a strong member of the team and driving their career—recognising that rigorous self-examination combined with self-forgiveness can be transformational both in terms of self-esteem and your relationship with others.
One of the challenges is the pressure we are under—too much to do and not enough time. How do we carve out the time for working with a coach, for example? It may seem like a worthy investment, but for those who don’t have the resources, is there anything you would recommend for getting the process started?
Teresa
There’s no quick fix to this, but that variation on the Naikan Meditation can be a good way to begin that ‘onion peel’. Taking structured reflection exercise developed by Yoshimoto Ishin and applying it to a relationship we find difficult, we ask ourselves three very simple questions:
- What gifts have I received from that person? List between 3 – 5 ways that person has contributed that positively impact you. Something as simple as not wasting your time by being punctual when attending meetings might be on the list. It can feel challenging to see the ‘gifts’ when you are angry with the other person, so take your time.
- What gifts have I given to that person? List an equivalent number of ways that you have positively contributed to the other person’s experience.
- What trouble have I caused this person? (This last question is where the real treasure is hidden).
There’s not a question asking what trouble they’ve caused you because you already know the answer to that! Taking a good long look at how you are contributing to what is not working in the relationship offers you the opportunity to take ownership of your own behaviour and attitudes. My experience is that this exercise is extremely liberating. It can move you from playing the ‘victim’ in a relationship to a place of freedom—freedom to choose how you want to contribute to that relationship in the future. It doesn’t say you have to ‘play nice’; it offers the opportunity to recognise how you have been ‘playing’ so that you can own your role in what is making you angry.
Sam
And that brings us right back to this idea that being honest with ourselves about both our strengths and weaknesses, taking ownership of our actions (or lack of action) and sort of meeting ourselves where we are with some compassion combined with a willingness to change …
Teresa
… is without a doubt going to increase our capacity to want to understand, accept and show compassion for others.
"There’s not a question asking what trouble they’ve caused you because you already know the answer to that! Taking a good long look at how you are contributing to what is not working in the relationship offers you the opportunity to take ownership of your own behaviour and attitudes."
Paul Arkwright
Publisher
